Date me, Scarlett

Scarlett, I would never hack into your phone and leak naked photos of you onto the internet. This is a guarantee, because I am bad at technology and also afraid of smart phones. In fact, even if you handed me your unlocked phone and told me to distribute naked photos of you to the world, I still probably couldn’t do it, because most of my emails are marked as spam due to my love of chain letters. I bring all this up, Scarlett, because I understand some photos of you were recently “leaked” to the internet. People wonder how you could be so careless, but I understand the truth. I assure you Scarlett, there’s no need to try to get my attention with such a ploy; I’ve already told you how to contact me and that I will gladly, and generously, date you. Now Scarlett, if you would be so kind, please forward this post to fifteen friends and all your wishes will come true!

Chain letters, the best way have your wishes come true if your wishes all involve having less friends:

Scarlett, as






you



can see










by my recent








absence,









I am a man of great





patience.

I have been politely sitting in the wings as you recovered from the traumatic experience of Sean Penn pretending to be your boyfriend. Now that you’ve had time to heal, I’d like to reassert my willingness to date you, regardless of the six months that has passed since my first offer. Patience like this will come in handy on our dates when you become lost in my eyes and need a few minutes to regain your composure. I will sit there patiently as your butterflies subside and your ability to speak returns.

I’m sure you have also developed great patience after being subjected to two months of being lectured by a tortoise:

Scarlett, according to Old Man Internet, Sean Penn has finally chosen to stop pretending that he’s dating you. This is excellent news, because now your desire to date me will receive the news coverage it deserves, undistracted by the desperate advances of a WWI veteran turned actor. I was planning on taking a full week off the blog to let you catch up on the last 103 posts while I entered a seven day meditative trance to balance my dating chakras, but this news was important enough to yank me back from the edge of dating enlightenment two days early to type an update. Congratulations on ridding yourself of your most tenacious elderly stalker since Woody Allen. I know that a famous dating personality such as myself can be intimidating at times, but I hope this major public relations victory will give you the confidence to ask me out for an evening of fondue and glow bowling.

Scarlett, because I do not have a smart phone, I use a pocket calendar to keep track of my schedule. This means that I will never accidentally double book one of our dates with another one of our dates. Imagine how embarrassing it would be to have to cut our picnic date short to go on our kayaking date! Or worse, if we had to be late to our planetarium date because we forgot about our helicopter date. We’d never forgive ourselves. With the aid of my pocket calendar, I will keep our busy dating schedule in order. Furthermore, I realize that, as a famous person, you will often have other obligations, such as attending interviews to build publicity for an upcoming film, or pretending to date Sean Penn to build publicity for how revolting Sean Penn is. Any time that you have another commitment, I will simply use my pocket calendar to remind myself not to schedule a date during that time, and instead write, “Stare at clock”.

Pocket calendars, like smart phones but without all that cumbersome “incredibly useful technology”:

Scarlett, I never speak with a full mouth. Whether I am chewing a salad or stuffing my mouth with cotton balls to train for the Chubby Bunny Regionals, I won’t disrespect you by garbling my speech. There are some who would make an exception to the don’t speak with your mouth full rule to warn their date of a gunman or wolf or wolf man with a gun standing right behind them. But this would be a flawed response, because one could choke on the food and then who would be there to do battle with the gun-wielding wolf beast? If you were dating me, I would.

Wolf men, known for making would-be heroes choke on food and being in bad movies:

Scarlett, the existence of Dalmatians is a clear-cut reason that you should date me. If God or Gaia or Sean Penn or whoever you worship saw fit to combine a dog with a Rorschach test, he/she/it is surely in favor of combining an immensely famous actress with a non-famous temp that knows how to spell Rorschach. Furthermore, do you see what I did with the title of today’s post, Scarlett? It is cleverness like this that will enamor the paparazzi with your new boyfriend, aka me, and probably result in Madame Tussauds creating a wax sculpture of us arm in arm before we even go on our second date.

Hermann Rorschach became famous for skinning Dalmatians and using their pelts to diagnose mental health problems:

Scarlett, I’ve given you 99 airtight reasons why it is in your best interest to date me and my impressive credentials clearly illustrate that I am the most credible resource you have to advise you on all your dating needs. As a result, my word is worth it’s weight in gold, and it weighs at least 120 lbs. Bearing this in mind, the 100th reason that you should date me is BECAUSE I SAID SO. As the preeminent scholar on me and the value of my word, I can assure you that I wouldn’t say it if it weren’t an excellent idea. After all, the last time I gave my word was when I told Nickalback to please fade into obscurity.

Sculptors originally wanted to include an abstract representation of my word on Mt. Rushmore but ultimately decided against it, not wanting to diminish its importance by putting it on the same level as mere humans:

Scarlett, I will always tell you if you have something stuck in your teeth. Honesty is key to a healthy relationship and spinach is key to looking like a celebrity that cares about being healthy. When we eat spinach, I’ll be honest with you about when a fragment gets left behind. The same goes for other objects that might get stuck in the teeth of a celebrity, such as sun dried narwhal or gold covered raisins. When leftover debris is stuck, I will let you know by uttering our secret code word, “EWGROSS”. As a result of your food-free teeth, all of the date photos of us that appear on the internet will be labeled with WIN instead of FAIL. Being labeled FAIL is the worst thing that can happen to a photo on the internet, unless it is a photo of you not dating me, then FAIL would be completely appropriate.

Dried narwhal jerky is one of the most common things to get stuck in the teeth of famous people:

Scarlett, I have a strong natural sense of direction. As long as you are with me, you will never get lost unless it is in my eyes. For example, my orientation skills will be quite useful on our long walks on the beach. Once I determine the cardinal directions by looking at the sun, I will never allow us to accidentally walk into the ocean and drown. The only downside is that I may temporarily lose my vision from looking at the sun so much. But Scarlett, relationships are all about sacrifices. In the case that we’re going somewhere where the sun is obscured, like a romantic stroll through a dense enchanted forest, I will always carry a pocket full of breadcrumbs to mark the way back. And don’t worry, birds and forest critters won’t eat the crumbs because they will all be from Subway “bread”.

This well-prepared Boy Scout troop got lost and eventually starved to death in my eyes:

Scarlett, I assure you that I am not wearing a wig nor is my hair a product of CGI, as is the case with Donald Trump. Mine is 100% real and 100% attached to my scalp. When we go dating on a yacht, because you are a famous person, the sea breeze will never blow off my toupee and when we’re on land, a jealous Woody Allen will never tear out my weave. Our dates will remain entirely free of fake-hair-falling-off-related problems. Furthermore, a robust head of real hair is important for dating a celebrity such as yourself because a bald scalp would reflect camera flashes and wash out all the sexy Scarlamos photos taken by the paparazzi.

A rare photo from back when I used to supplement my hair with CGI:

Scarlett, the technical problems have been resolved. You may now resume reading these daily posts and gradually building up the courage to ask me on a date.

Scarlett, I’m currently experiencing some minor technical difficulties here in Websiteville. Hopefully all will be resolved by tomorrow. Do not fear, I am not dead or kidnapped and am still offering to date you. Also, I don’t actually live in a place called Websiteville. I want there to be no confusion for when you come searching for me for our first date.

Scarlett, there is ample space between my leg and the fabric of my pants. I have not succumbed to the skinny jeans trend because of the negative effects it would have on my dating. First of all, imagine if I fell asleep wearing nothing but my shoes and then you called me to go on a date. I would lurch up and try to pull on my pants as quickly as possible so as to not waste precious date time. If I were wearing skinny jeans, I would get stuck and fall on my face. If I survived the fall, I would probably try to stick my hand in the foot hole to pull out my shoe, where it would get stuck as well. And there I’d be, lying on the ground like a hipster Chinese Finger Trap. Or imagine if we were on a date at a mall and there was a lost child wandering around, as there generally tends to be. If everyone was wearing skinny jeans then these poor lost babies would have no pant fabric to tug on to get one’s attention for when they whimper, “Wheahs my mawmee?” Skinny jeaned folk would have it that these toddlers wandered the malls of the world for all eternity, tugging in vain at the air beside people’s legs where a pant leg would normally be. I, on the other hand, will be easily located by the sobbing children so that I may return them to their mommies, and return to my date with you a hero.

This child remained lost in Williamsburg, Brooklyn for six-months, unable to get anyone’s attention:

Scarlett, I live with two male roommates. If, after years of non-stop celebrity exposure, you have developed an intense phobia of being alone, fear not—whenever we are on a date in my apartment we will be entirely privacy-free. Furthermore, my roommates will provide a robust 24/7 support network for all our dating needs. Suppose we want to go on a date in my living room at 3 AM but I have forgotten my keys—all I have to do is bang on the door and yell “HEY LEMME IN I’M DRUUUUNKTH”, our secret password, and one of them will open the door. Then suppose that you get hungry for a snack but I haven’t been to the grocery store in three weeks because we’ve been dating so much—we can simply sample my roommates’ vittles as long as we don’t rustle the chip bags enough to wake them or take enough for them to notice. People who live without roommates don’t have these safety nets when locked out or hungry. Furthermore, such loners are boring and unadventurous daters because their clean showers and empty sinks have made them grow soft.

Living alone in a clean and well-furnished Manhattan loft, a dating deal breaker:

Scarlett, we could go to Shake Shack on a date. If you haven’t heard of it, Shake Shack is a famous line of people in Madison Square Park. It costs a mere $15 to stand in the line, and when you reach the end they give you a free burger, fries, and shake! Waiting in this famous line will guarantee that we’re in each other’s presence for at least two hours. Can you imagine it, Scarlett? Just you and me and three hundred others shuffling along with the vague promise of food in the distant future. It will feel like early 20th century Soviet Russia, a fantastic time period to be dating because the government mandated that the rich and famous lower their standards so everyone could date everyone.

Shake Shake in summer:

Shake Shack in winter: